First Impressions

From Daddy

When I first saw Enler's birthmark, I was a little sad and thought of it similar to a disfigurement on my new babies face. The delivering doctor said "Oh, he's got a bruise" and then later said "no, its a birthmark, they are very common in newborns and it will fade away." At some point we were told it was a port wine stain, which was a permanent mark. In the back of my mind I had thought it would not clear up. I could not get the image of a guy in my home town with a red bulbous nose out of my head and thought "oh how sad, my boy is going to be like that." It didn't take long for me to see right through the discolored stain on his face to see how beautiful and cute and gorgeous he was. And then I started to think of it as kinda like a badass thing - like my scars on my leg that I'm very proud of. To me, they are my tattoos.

Right after Enler was born I called my folks in Ireland and told them the good news! I told them about his birthmark and my folks were relieved to hear that he was 100 % healthy and said that a birthmark was nothing to be concerned about. They had known several families that had babies with serious illnesses. They were relieved our family was safe and healthy. My folks are worriers.

I spoke to my folks every day while in the hospital. On the last day I mentioned to my father that I might give Enler the nick name "Patch" because of his birthmark. He severely scolded me and said "they'll be no such talk like that" then abruptly handed the phone over to my mom. I think I upset him. My father's seriousness and tone made me take the situation a lot more seriously from that point on.

The pediatrician at the hospital confirmed that this was a permanent port wine stain, which could be treated (erased or reduced) through laser treatment. This was when Jewel and I were introduced to the possibility of this course of action.

Its crazy to think I had these feelings and emotions about Enler's port wine stain because now I seldom see it and when I do I think of it as a positive piece of him. He's become so much more than his birthmark.

From Mommy

When I first saw my beautiful baby boy it took me awhile to fully comprehend that he was mine. He looked so foreign to me - I don't even know what I was expecting - I guess I just really couldn't picture him when he was in my belly. I was also exhausted from all the pushing. Labor and delivery was such an indescribable experience that I think only other mothers truly understand. All the drama and pain and blood and emotions from the delivery were going through my mind so I didn't even start thinking about his birthmark until later that night when we were on the post partum floor. Then, there were so many other things to think about, such as my swollen 'down there,' inability to pee as of yet, need to breastfeed my baby (even though I had no clue what I was doing), need to change him - on top of being in the hospital overnight as a patient for the very first in my life. I don't even remember when I first really let myself think about his birthmark. I think it may have been the next day, or even after we had got him home.

It was easy to go to my intellectual side and get into my doctor jargon with friends, family and the pediatrician. It was relieving to hear the pediatrician say that the fact his birthmark followed the V2 distribution of the trigeminal nerve was a positive sign. This distribution is less commonly found in sturge-weber (vascular malformations in the brain) and glaucoma. However he would need to be followed by an opthamologist. I had to think back hard to my first two years of medical school to dig out any other relevant factoids regarding birthmarks and port wine stains. For some reason I just kept thinking about Gorbachev. What an image...

When I allowed myself to really feel what it was like to have a baby with a medical condition - something even mildly associated with a disease as serious as sturge-weber- I wept. I just kept looking at my gorgeous baby boy and thinking it would be so much easier if he was just born without the birthmark. I wondered if I could rewind time and erase it from his face in utero. And then I felt terrible about thinking these things and just wanted to be strong and love him and let him know that it didn't matter and he was going to be a gorgeous, strong little man regardless. I only shared these thoughts with few. I wanted everyone to know how much I loved my little guy and it didn't matter to me. And I do - I love him more deeply than I've ever loved anything. I just had to give myself time to mourn his birthmark (the pregnancy hormones didn't help this out at all).

Sometimes I still think about it and cry. It catches me by surprise. For example, when I went to the breastfeeding support group - my first time bringing him out with other babies - his birthmark was so evident around the other babies. I felt I had to explain it. I still see it when I look at him. But it has just become Enler - just like his cute little toes, chubby little legs and heart melting smile. He is my gorgeous wee man.